Étiquette - The importance of getting it right.

Our understanding of the contemporary meaning of etiquette is possibly aligned with what the dictionary tells us - "The mindful, intentional practice of creating respectful, kind, orderly interactions". It still feels like a term that will always be a little distant, perhaps the domain of the snobby English, the word itself residing in a tidy cottage, somewhere near Wimbledon. We see the meaning plainly - as the opposite of queue jumping or asking a woman how old she is. Things that are just not done. Things that are just not quite cricket.

The word etiquette does not have roots in England, despite its cup and saucer sense of correctness. It comes from the courts of the last 3 King Louis and meant a label or ticket, from the verb éstiquer - to affix or to stick. It is still used in the wine world when we talk about the label on a bottle.

The vast, French court of the early/mid 1700's was where it was at. The absolute hub of "simply the best". Furniture, parties, fashion and food. The Versailles of Louis XV in particular was the venue for European nobility to be seen at. But the lottery of high birth didn't seem to be accompanied by an inate sense of how to behave. This King Louis grew so frustrated by courtiers trampling on his new flowerbeds and immacuate lawns, that he put stickers up - étiquettes - asking his subjects to keep off the grass, stand up when he entered the room or use the damn cutlery to eat the peacock pâté. These 18th century 'Post-its' gradually became signs and were then elevated to royal decrees, and served as a working guide to acceptable behaviour.

After the French revolution of 1789, the nobility that managed to escape the drop of the Guillotine joined the courts of English King George III or his foppish son, the Prince Regent; crossing the Channel with their courtly manners and ways of doing things. They brought their "étiquettes" with them. These social instructions were quickly adopted by the English and became tightly woven into the fabric of high society. The Victorians embraced these mannerisms with absolute gusto. The rise of the merchant classes from the social upheaval of the Industrial revolution, meant the landed gentry needed to distinguish themselves from this rather grubby "New Money", so they really went to town on the importance of being throughly well-bred.

As the new textile magnates and the owners of mills, mines and canals were mostly from a class that hadn’t had exposure to the court or courtly manners, they needed to marry their children into good families with good connections for them to move up the social ladder.

As their prosperity grew, so did their aspirations. They wanted their children to have a chance, so they put their sons’ names down to go to the best schools they could afford in the hope they might become gentlemen; their daughters were sent to finishing schools to be taught how to be young ladies. Thus, etiquette became taught and learned. It was desireable. It still is.

It seems that the formal instruction of good etiquette has softened, both as a social order and the exclusive domain of the English aristocracy. These days we refer to it more in the sense of "mindfulness" - covering things like punctuality, please and thankyous, and eating with your mouth closed. We have each adopted our own sets of do's and don't do's that vary from houselhold to region to social class.

The French may have dispensed with the Monarchy, but certainly not with the kingdom of politeness. They invariably shake hands at every meeting, even in the workplace, Gallic politesse dictates endless bouts of handshaking around the office. The familar tu and the formal vous still define the lines social interaction and respect. Asking for the location of the cereal aisle in a supermarket without an initial "Bonjour" is akin to shoplifting.

I must say, I like it. It costs absolutely nothing to be actively aware of local or national customs. Mindfullness is not just about present moment or breathwork and meditation. It is part of being awake and alive. It is the currency of wanting to belong, of observing our experiences in our own neighbourhoods as well as in all parts foreign, with an attitude of openness, curiousity and acceptance. And please, do walk on the grass.