Judgement - The fear beneath the habit...

Yes... we all of us like to imagine that judgement is simply something that other people do. That we don't judge. That our opinions are as neutral as a Swiss watch. We even use qualifiers like "I am not judging here, but..." in celebration of that marvellous expression, "Everything that comes before "but"... is B.S."

We are persuaded that it is only other people that are so critical... Other people are so narrow-minded. Other people are sitting somewhere, in deep Facebook, making pithy comments, one passive-aggressive sentence at a time, while we, remain balanced and thoughtful - emotionally evolved. Simply “observant.”

And yet most of us have the super-power to draft an entire personality profile around a total stranger, within seconds of them enter the room. That woman in the red dress, who is clearly "attention seeking". The man with the nice car, who is obviously just "showing off". The confidently-spoken child, who seems a little "arrogant". Our judgy selves very rarely take a day off.

My judgy thing?.. Thanks for asking... I have been known to evaluate people, merely on the grounds of what's in their supermarket shopping trolley. Three litres of Coca-Cola, two kids and a box of frozen pizza, and my eyebrows go up like a bride's nightie. I know... I'm awful.

We are remarkably efficient at immediately deciding who or what other people are. It turns out - mercifully - that it appears to be one of those forgiveble, human traits that comes not from social commentary, but from our ancient instincts around survival. Humans evolved in nomadic tribes, where belonging really mattered. To be accepted, meant safety, to be excluded?.. Certain death by Woolly Mammoth? Not so much...

Our nervous systems adapted accordingly, as they do, becoming exquisitely skilled at scanning constantly for signs of personal peril, changes in status or approval, and worse still - group rejection. This led us, as we journeyed from loin cloths to leggings, into an almost constant evaluation of our modern take on - who belongs here?.. who doesn't?.. who stands out?..

So we can clearly and conveniently suppose, that beneath all our petty judgements, sits something far more vulnerable than my disdainful, supermarket superiority syndrome.

It's Fear...

Fear of rejection. Fear of inadequacy. Fear of non-compliance or not belonging. Fear of being left behind. Fear of being asked to quietly leave the safety of the cave.

Which is very probably why being judged hurts so deeply. Why it is so triggering. Why it makes us simmer with something dressed up as anger. And most of all, why we are all so convinced we just don't do it. It is both odd and alarming. "That's not me", we whisper...

So our basic assumption is that when we overhear a judgy comment about the way we are dressed, or the reading age of our kids, we just figure that it is all about us. And I suppose objectively, it is. But it also may reveal something about the person delivering the off-hand observations, as well as the recipient.

Our own self-confidence might get judged as "overtly brash" by someone who has spent years doubting themselves. Our own sense of freedom, viewed as "personal vagrancy" by those feeling trapped. Our shopping trolley gets sentenced to scrutiny, by someone who knows deep down, how to eat more healthily.

Which leads us neatly to the conclusion, that we are judging others because something within us has been activated by an internal discomfort of our own, that we have not yet fully resolved. Hmm..interesting. It seems like judgement might actually be borderline grief.

Perhaps it is a bit of anguish that we didn't risk wearing the red dress, or the self-confidence, or the sense of freedom. We might prefer to crticise another person's light, rather than confront our own little pockets of shadow.

Judgement seems to be self-protection dressed up as fairly public discomfort. We are perhaps deeply uncomfortable around authenticity and confidence because they feel so exposing. Back to our inner caveman. What is people don't like it? What if I get rejected? we build our identities around personal preservation.

Judgement also seems to have actual degrees of judgeyness. A Beaufort scale of how hard our winds of criticism blow. At the foot of the ladder, lies the casual observation. Judgement in sweatpants and a t shirt. At this level, we might say things like "Gosh, how interesting that she chose to wear orange to the funeral". Judgement-light, perhaps, but still a slight sense of righteous observation.

Next rung up, is where we compare basic belief systems. "I can't believe that she would wear Orange to her own Mother's funeral." In other words, we are judging it as simply "un-beleivable" that someone would do that. Judgement salad, with a tangy dressing.

The next stop, is where we invoke not only our own opinion, but that of an unknowing and uninvolved, third-party. "I bet that poor woman will be turning in her grave, knowing her daughter is wearing that dreadful orange cat-suit to her own Mother's funeral"...

And yet we are no where near the top of the ladder. We climb ever skywards, through many levels of "humour", criticism, and all the way up to ridicule and outright cruelty. And if we get called out? "I was only joking.." becomes the acceptable disguise for meanness.

Meanwhile, back on earth, there is a young woman grieving, wearing bright orange, telling a friend "My Mum's dying wish was that I wear this orange cat suit of hers, that she told me she never had the courage to wear herself when she was alive. I hate it, but it was just something she wanted me to do for her."

Hang your collective heads...

We protect oursleves through judgement. If we can identify other peoples supposed flaws first, perhaps nobody will notice our own insecurities. And sometimes we we judge simply because we have been judged ourselves for so goddamn long, that that has become the only emotional language we speak. We pay that pain forward, without even knowing it.

Some close to me would argue that judgement is just another form around the expression of disagreement. That judgements are discerning, in nature and not designed around feelings of superiority or stances that are in any way combative.

But discernment and judgement are not the same thing. Discernment says: “This doesn’t feel aligned with what I really believe." Judgement says: “And therefore it is wrong and you shouldn't do it. Ever.”

Discernment leaves room for another person’s humanity. Judgement almost always removes it.

Because beneath almost every judgement and harsh opinion, quietly sits a lovely human being - trying, in one way or another, - to protect something fragile within themselves. Which is why I need to get better at realising the person judging me, is not out to harm me, or respond to me, or cut me off at the knees. They are answering their own fear or insecurity or longing. Their own unresolved relationship with worthiness.

I need to get better at not taking it so personally, because that is not how it is intended, regardless of how high up the ladder they shout it. It is no more than fear dressed as confidence. A prisoner slipping past the guards.

So I give way to a bit more understanding. Not because I am in any way better evolved, or reasoned, or educated than the next person. Because I really want to try and understand a bit better.

So let's just say, that behind nearly every judgement we will ever hear again, there is a decent person, hoping - however awkwardly - to belong.

On Platform 13, wholeness isn’t found - it’s remembered. Because loss is loss, worthiness is universal, and no one is alone. We are all in this together.