Emotional Fitness - The Return to Center.

This is a series close to my heart. Literally!! Knowing our emotive fitness level, how to measure it and, more importantly… how do we get fitter?

I recently experienced one of those early-morning phone calls that just knocked me off center. It was way too early, and the caller was choosing not to be very "pleasant".

My heart rate rose, the cortisol started flowing, my body tightened and my breath went shallow. All before my first sip of coffee.

What I didn’t realize at the time, was that it was how I met the experience internally was about to reveal my level of emotional fitness. The time it would take me to calm down and find my center. Let's just say it was "quite a while". As physically fit as I feel I am, I could clearly feel some work was needed on the inside. It just felt important.

Not long after this incident, friends were over for dinner. The conversation, unprompted by my recent experience, took a turn towards the subjects of stress and anxiety. It was oddly well timed, almost like a message being delivered solely for my benefit, and our friend became a very welcome messenger.

He said “Think of a runner. The truest metrics of his physical fitness aren’t just concerned with the speed he runs at, or how many miles he can do, it’s also about how quickly his heart rate returns to normal 'sinus' rhythm - the 'resting rate' after serious exertion.” This was an "aha.." moment for me, because no matter how in shape we appear on the outside, the heart doesn’t lie.

Our emotional fitness works the same way. Maybe it isn’t measured by how often - or how far - we get thrown off balance, but how quickly we recenter ourselves in the aftermath of anger, upset or stress-inducing anxiety. How quickly are we supposed to recover? What time frame to return to "emotional sinus" is good, bad, or even average?

We all have those days where we would prefer to blow off the gym for another day, hit the snooze button and sleep in. Emotional upset doesn't give us this level of luxury. We don’t have a "ten more minutes..." for suddenly heigtened feelings and the alarm of our overactive minds will not be ignored. At least mine doesn’t. The body is in hyper-reactive mode, it wants to respond instantly, tightens, braces and prepares to fight for what is right.

Our ego-mind can be a wonderful friend, it wants to protect us and make sense of what has occurred, yet some illogical, upsetting experiences are just that. They present us with feelings of injustice, unfair blame, misunderstandings… we want to fix it, set the record straight, make our case… It can take days to even make sense of it and if something doesn't get fully resolved it can drag on for years.

But mental recovery and return to center, doesn’t have to take weeks because the good news is, our emotional strength can be trained.

Years ago, I began practicing Pilates after a painful injury. One of the principles that is repeated is the foundation of the core. Every single movement originates from this area of focus. Without a strong core, the body compensates in other areas and that over-compensation can lead to further injury. As above, so below - our emotional workouts are no different. But what does that mean? Where is my mental core?

A strong emotional core, for me, grows in the soil of self-trust, and its shoots are solid boundaries and an inner sense of rational steadiness. That collective of self-care alone won't prevent us from ever being shaken up, or protect us from an unmindful curve ball being thrown, but they will help to reassure us that we won’t collapse when stuffiing hits the fan. Without a strong core, emotional moments can feel like a life or death scenario. With a strong core, we can actually choose to respond, rather than react.

I like to think of it this way, strong muscles protect our bones. Mental strength can protect our hearts.

Emotions are the body’s first signal that something is off. Think of the runner again. When you get a stitch in your side. It hurts and usually comes at a time when you’re really hitting your stride. Our instinct (and hope) is to push through, but that is unfortunately very much theory over practice... Only when we slow down and catch up with our breath, does it start to subside. We trust that process.

We don’t panic. We don’t tell everyone about it. We don’t replay the moment over and over in our heads, or continue to run in the panic and fear of getting another stitch. Running is not deemed "no longer safe". We carry on. It’s part of the experience. Everyone gets them. Emotions are no different. Not holding on; not giving it power or meaning; not blowing it out of proportion - allows us to calm quickly and move forward again.

What we could choose here, is to give the emotion a name and allow oursleves to actually feel it. Give it air time. Allow it to be there. Having feelings, is not a determining factor of our spirituality. It doesn't mean we have failed some sacred test if we don't always default to being the "bigger person" whenever we are rattled..

Many of us were taught that these emotions were better seen and not heard. Best not to express them at all in fact. Many of us were taught that other peoples discomfort was something we needed to manage, so better we just keep the peace and sweep our issues under the rug.

Time to do things differently...

Once the adrenaline begins to settle, we can begin to think clearly - or at least consciously enough to evaluate what just happened. Not leaping to our side of the story, establishing the facts and getting fuel for the fire… but what really happened on an emotional level. What did I feel and how is it sitting. That is the ground on which our safety stands .

Over time, taking this moment for ourselves, taking a minute to just act almost as an observer and see WTF just happened, builds our 'conflict muscle memory'. This is our emotional fitness workout. This "moment", is not handed to us by the person yelling down the phone. It is up to us to claim it. Boundaries, people... This is where they get defended and the lines in the sand get drawn. A solid boundary here, will allow us to regroup and breathe our own air in a safe place, without drowning in chaos and drama.

This approach will create the space for us to see our part in things. We are not always the innocent party. Perhaps our communication could have been better, perhaps we could have selected option X over option Y. We might also choose to collect some data on the 'agressors' (who by the way, might still be yelling down the phone..) What is it that is triggering this persons anger? What are they afraid of here? Would they rather see the ship sink, than not be the Captain? Is this some unhealed trauma that they just can't let go of?...It's all good insight which has real value.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. They have their own mirror. It's up to them when and if they choose to look in it. Communication needs work on both sides.

The key point is this. The takeway. You do not need to train harder to compensate for someone else’s lack of emotional fitness. You are only responsible for yours - and only yours.

Emotional fitness is not about avoiding disruption. We can't control that. It’s about knowing that center, our inner peace, always exists at arms length. What matters, is how quickly we can get back there.

That return to self says a lot.

I’ll be exploring this further in a series of “P/13 emotional workouts” - related to our continuing, mental fitness.

Next time, we will explore boundaries. What they are, how we set them, when the people who benefit most from you not having them will react and how we maintain them.