Emotional Fitness - Part Deux - Boundaries

I thought I had a pretty good grasp of boundaries. In theory at least…

Recently, I had to cancel some plans at the last minute - something I almost never do. Life just intervened in a way that made the cancellation choice-less for me, but not necessarily obvious to the party cancelled upon.

What surprised me most was the reaction that came back. Instead of a bit of welcome understanding, which is really all we need here, I received a guilt-inducing response that pulled me into a bit of self-blame, self-recrimination and the sense I was somehow being selfish. That I should have been willing to override my needs for the sake of keeping a date and ensuring everyone's “comfort”. Anyone who knows me, also knows that if I’m not there, there’s a damn good reason… and there was. I didn’t have the time or energy to explain myself, but there was no mention of "Ok no problem - are you okay?”

Cancelled plans are actually a good barometer for empathy, as everyone knows that “stuff happens”. But the reaction I received, highlighted the fact that my sense of worth, was once agin being outsourced to third-party validation. I have been there before. I don't like it. I had created a boundary around it. Did I leave the door open?

And that’s when I realized how much my emotional fitness, moving forward, depends not only on creating effective boundaries, but also on maintaining and defending them. Boundaries are not for keeping things out, but for keeping me in. This is a big, layered subject for me, and Boundaries 101, is something I am only now learning the emotional architecture of.

One quote keeps circling back. One that stands out like no other, in an Instagram sea, bobbing with quotes. It's by Leila Hormozi: “The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who benefit from you not having any.”

But what is a healthy boundary, really? Where are these emotional borders and who has a passport to cross them and who is denied access and sent home?

I love the quote “No, is a full sentence”, but for a long time I viewed people who were comfortable saying no as mean or inflexible, perhaps even rude. A judgement that hasn’t served me well, I assure you. As a serial people-pleaser, I quietly told myself that “I’ll never be like that. I want to be the nice one. I'm a yes girl.” All the while secretly admiring them for their honesty.

What I’ve come to realize is that the “nice ones” often become the exhausted ones. Not because they lack kindness, but that kindness often becomes obligation, no matter what the cost to me. Obligation generally leads straight to the door of resentment.

Many situations have arisen lately, prompting me to observe my boundaries, or lack there of… my triggers all stem from this subject so it became very clear to me that I needed to take a step back and re-evaluate, redefine and examine before reacting to any of these “lessons” I’m currently facing.

What I have realized is this: A healthy boundary isn’t rejection at all. It is a kindness to all parties involved. It’s supposed to be outright clarity. One of the most honest gifts you can give and receive. When boundaries work - when they are defended and respected, life just seems wholehearted and easy. You don’t have to question your actions, worry about reactions or wonder about being resented. It’s far less likely to end in burnout or silent withdrawal later and can only strengthen the bonds of friendship, not chip away at them.

We all know the moment we feel someone creeping over the line. Suddenly there is a choice. Dishonor where you are now or risk disappointing someone. A big question to ask is, do they even know the line is there? Probably not. And that is where clarity kicks in. It is here that we get to declare the existence of the boundary wall. The perimeter of what we accept. What we can't do with acceptable integrity, is to wait till they cross it so we can point at it and angrily say “oy!”. It needs to be gently explained at the border, before crossing into "I don't do that" territory. Do we announce it when we meet people? “Hi, my name is Vanessa and, by the way, I don’t like it when people give me unsolicited advice and then get moody when I don’t take it. And you are?" This is bordering on the ridiculous, but it isn’t that far off.

The most overlooked part of boundaries isn’t the boundary itself. It’s the communication of boundaries. It's the consistency of them. It’s honesty within, before expressing it to someone else. Especially when you begin setting one with people who have never experienced you having any before.

They feel rejected.

You feel aggressive / defensive.

And neither feeling tells the whole truth, or is in any way helpful.

It feels scary. Why? Because you might piss someone off and they might not like you anymore, or judge you or speak unkindly? Or this is the fear speaking? Everyone I know who has healthy boundaries in place, doesn’t have these issues. They are respected and never crossed, because it is clear that they won’t tolerate it any other way. If you’re in their life, it’s because there is a mutual respect for each other.

What I have come to learn is this. When I have had no boundaries in place, I was well liked and appreciated - which feels great, but my self-worth got outsourced. I was validating myself not through serving myself, but servicing the needs of third parties. But that dopamine hit leaves pretty sharpish, before you have to perform another task to get that next fix. If you’re a giver, there will always be a receiver and they will keep receiving until you’re blue in the face. How sustainable this is depends entirely on the respect you extend to yourself first.

What we all need is “exchangers”. We give clarity around our boundaries, in exchange for them being respected. That's how it is designed to work. In the absence of clarity, no-one knows what is acceptable and what is not. Conflict is never far behind this situation. We need emotional signposts. There is no GPS to show where our boundaries are or are not.

On airplanes, they tell us to put on our oxygen mask before helping others. We nod along, understanding the logic, but never feeling like we will be faced with that choice when it comes down to it. I would just be the worst at that. I am the poster girl for dying of asphyxiation, as I am 3 rows deep into helping others fit their masks, before I realise I can't breathe..Great! It was nice knowing you...

Perhaps emotional fitness isn’t about building the perfect “boundary house”, made of bricks and stone that only a select few can enter, it’s more to do with not abandoning yourself to a lack of clarity around the exitence of the wall, rather than the bricks and mortar that hold it together. It’s not screaming from the rooftops that you’re no longer tolerating things anymore. It’s not about waiting and getting angry. It’s more about standing in your space, with calm kindness, knowing that you are putting yourself front and center. If people fall away becasue your clarity around your tolerance and your limits doesn't quite "suit them", then that's what has to happen. It just has to be okay. Let them.

True loving relationships won’t ever play the guilt-trip card, nor will they ever ask you to abandon yourself for their own agenda. They may not be able to be there for their own reasons. We all have lives. But you know they are cheering you on from the bleachers.

I’m still learning. But lately, I’m beginning to understand that a boundary isn’t something you declare loudly. It’s not meant to shut people out, but simply weed out the garden for the real flowers to thrive. Just becoming more aware of the areas I could do better for myself and those I love, is quite enough for today.

More on Emotional Fitness, in our neatly written article on “Enoughness”.