The Spirit Level - The "beware" of self-aware...

I'm tired... Not from having stayed up late or not had enough sleep. Not that kind of surface-tired. A sort of "inner fatigue" that I am feeling on a deeper level. We recently said goodbye to some "interesting" house guests. We sort of knew they would be, and we both felt fore-warned. We seemed to start "managing oursleves" before they had even got out of the car...

We felt prepared, adapted and nicely arranged. We had even pre-conceived that she was going to "be like she always is" and he was going to "just do what he always does". We wanted to be with them in a sort of compassionate way, as a choice, not an obligation. We didn't want the whole weekend to be after-bedtime whispers of how trying they acted, or an series of "can you belive she said that"?

I think John and I were trying too hard to feel emotionaly aware or available or whatever it was. We were over-reflecting and pre-analysing. We knew our triggers. We understood our history. It felt like emotional inteligence. Growth.

And yet, when they left after a totally incident-free weekend, we both felt so exhausted, we lay on the sofa like we had been shot.

This is the emotional burnout of being constantly, 24/7 self-aware. It comes from relentless observation. From always watching yourself instead of resting inside just 'being'.

At first, it seems like self-awareness starts as a good insight. Excellent, thick, emotional carpet to stand on. You have an understanding around other peoples behaviours, that allows your reactions to be managed. Pre-managed in a way. We are prepared to meet and greet old patterns of behaviour and previous experiences with our radar on. It gives clarity and bit of releif.

But all that insight? It's a full time job. It's just non-stop. We start to not just feel things, but to analyse the feelings. We track their origins, correct our facial expressions and re-orientate. Perhaps that we are so afraid of over-reacting to something, that the whole weekend became a constant project around self.

One of the costs of constant self awareness is that you kind of stop experiencing life directly. You are always slightly outside the moment, observing yourself inside it. You notice how you are coming across. You notice what your body language says about you. You notice whether you are grounded enough, calm enough, evolved enough. Instead of being present, you are evaluating your presence.

This creates distance between you and your own experience. Both frustration and joy get analyzed. Even breathing deeply gets examined for meaning. Our nervous system never fully relaxes because we are watching it like hawks.

When self awareness becomes basic maintenance, it often comes with an unspoken rule. You should be better by now. More regulated. Less reactive. More healed. So every feeling becomes something to fix. If you feel irritated, you ask why. If you feel sad, you want to know the cause. Feeling triggered? Let's trace it back... There is little room for emotions to simply exist. Everything must be processed, understood, and resolved.

This level of self correction is exhausting. It keeps you in a subtle state of self pressure, even when you believe you are just trying to be compassionate. One of the deepest drains comes from believing that because you are aware, you are responsible for managing everything perfectly. You are the Supreme Court of your reactions.You feel responsible for your healing.You feel responsible for staying level-headed at all times. Awareness becomes obligation.

Instead of helping you feel lighter, it makes you feel like you can never rest. Like there is always another layer to unpack. Another insight to reach. A better version of yourself to be constantly. Growth becomes a moving target that keeps you chasing yourself.

This burnout does not look like breakdown. It looks like quiet exhaustion. You feel mentally tired from thinking about yourself. You feel emotionally flat because nothing is spontaneous. You feel pressure to respond correctly instead of honestly.You feel disconnected from ease and play. You may even long for simplicity.

Self awareness requires attention. Attention requires energy. When that attention never turns off, your nervous system stays alert. You are always scanning internally. Always noticing shifts.

Even going to bed, part of you is still observing and filing the evnts of the day. We were waking up tired - even though our bodies had stoppoed moving overnight, our minds had clearly not.

Self awareness is valuable. But it is not meant to be constant. It is meant to be a tool, used when needed, then set down. When Def-Con 1 awareness becomes your default mode, you lose access to something just as important. Presence. Presence is not about understanding. It is about experiencing. It allows emotions to move without explanation. It allows moments to be felt without interpretation. It allows you to exist without commentary. This is what our systems have been missing.

So really, we do not need to become less aware. We just need permission to turn awareness off sometimes. Not every feeling needs analysis. Not every reaction needs a backstory. Not every moment needs growth. We are allowed to have emotions without understanding them fully. We are allowed to react without immediately correcting ourself.

The emotional burnout of always being self aware is not a failure of growth. It is a sign that growth needs balance. We all deserve moments where we are not our own project. We deserve rest from managed, self-observation.

We deserve to experience life without translating it. Let awareness become something we visit, not something we live inside.

We are allowed to put the mirror down.